[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
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no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks