date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.