Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
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Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
[shakes fist at other fist]
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.