Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
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One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.