My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’M CRYINGGG
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Succinctly put.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
thanksgiving in nutshell
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
A fake ID that makes you younger
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.