She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
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“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday