[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
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The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I falcon love using swear birds
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying