*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
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relationship goals
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Isn’t
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.