Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
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Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Ape together strong
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Going into Monday like
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.