Kidney stones? Hard pass
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Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.