Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
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I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Whoa 😂
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Welcome
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.