*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
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Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
#TopTip
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.