ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
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Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
this is literally a CIA plant
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s