Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”