You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Fight
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.