When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.