Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
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[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*