me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
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“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.