me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
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My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
oh shit