I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
When ur friends with white people
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards