People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.