The funk soul brother
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*