I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
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A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Who does Amazon think I am?
🍞🦆
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep