12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Air pods looking like an angry frog