How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
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wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
These work great until they don’t.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.