me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
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It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party