On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
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Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
🤣🤣🤣
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.