Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Best spot.. 😅
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read