Check out the legs on this baby
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news