Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
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Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.