Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
You Might Also Like
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”