Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.