To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
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boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
2023 was just a warmup
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?