If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
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Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Canadian owl: Eh?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.