If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
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I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.