When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Need WebMD
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.