13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.