[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Has there ever been a more American story?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you