Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
bugs when you lift up a rock
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
emergency phone
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.