Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
❤️❤️❤️
Meanwhile in Portland…
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations