Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
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I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.