if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.