A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Who wants to be my Valentine?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.