Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
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Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands