[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
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I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.