guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
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I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Lol
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??