“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
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“no gods no masters” = leo
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Oh, I bet you would be
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Lmao 🤣
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”