Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
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Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
How I’d get arrested…
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
They’re called werewolves.