OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
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some things should go without saying
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area