Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Not today. 😅
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok